Not Gonna Quit

no quitIt’s been a very long time since I’ve taken a seat in this chair. The first few days I had legitimate reasons (excuses) for not keeping my morning routine and then, before I knew it, I was completely out of the habit. I thought about it, but couldn’t find the motivation to take any action.

And lately thoughts  like, what’s the point and who are you kidding have been floating, almost unnoticed through my consciousness. So here I am, back in my chair, and it’s (gasp!) not first thing in the morning. Read the rest of this entry

What’s Not Working

uhohI spent most of yesterday sitting outside and reading a novel. It was one of the few perfect spring days we experience and with Zion insisting I go out and hug trees, I figured it would be a great test of whether or not doing something else while being in nature would be effective. I think it was. Soaking up some Vitamin D and immersing myself in a novel while surrounded by trees and birdsong was very relaxing. Read the rest of this entry

Disconnected

disconnectedIt has not been the greatest of weeks. I’ve been feeling out of sorts, struggling to find focus and accomplishing next to nothing. As I drove to the doctor’s office to keep my appointment – the one that’s only purpose is for the doctor to eyeball you before providing a prescription refill – I took a quick mental inventory. I’m in my quiet space, I thought. Well, what does that mean?

Um, I’m depressed? Yes, but it seemed like there was more to it than that – I felt withdrawn and disconnected. Why, I wondered. Is it one of my valleys? Probably, but I’m really beginning to think it’s an energy depletion. I think what makes me good at what I do is the same thing that leads to these bad weeks. Meaning, my connection to my clients and what I do for them is so strong that I often need to pull away to refuel. Read the rest of this entry

Another Monday

things-to-do-todayWell, I was surprised and disappointed that my son chose not to join us yesterday. I’m struggling to just accept it because I know what a good heart he has and can’t understand why he would not want to give the gift of himself to his nephew. He did come out of his room upon our return to ask how our visit went instead of just acting as if it didn’t happen. Read the rest of this entry

Crying Uncle

unclesToday we’re going to spend some time with my grandson. We haven’t seen him since just before Christmas and I definitely miss him. I’m having a difficult time wrapping my head around the fact that yesterday was his 13th birthday. And as with every generation, I have no real understanding of what teenagers consider fun or cool. I guess we’re just going to have to let him lead and pray we’ll find something for all of us to enjoy.

Or he’ll just have to suck it up and get through a day with the old folks. I’m really hoping my son will accompany us today. He has not seen his nephew for over a year – he’s afraid of his emotional response to seeing him. Telling him that letting a child see his pain is not necessarily a bad thing. We’re all hurting, but avoiding people that remind us of those who have passed is at best only a temporary solution. Read the rest of this entry

Pit Stop at Rock Bottom

rock pitAfter rereading a few of my earliest posts, I’m giving some thought to what my book will look like.  I’m currently working on a procedures manual for a client,so it’s easy for me to think of a how to book in the same terms, but it’s absurd to imagine a procedures style book on healing. There’s a reason none like that exist – there is no one size fits all solution.

We’re all the same, yet all so very different – and that’s what makes life so interesting – and difficult. I think that telling my story in a way that others can identify with is the best that I can do. But where does my story really begin? On the day of my birth? Conception? The day each of my parents was born? Or the day that life as I knew it ceased to exist? Read the rest of this entry

First Group Meeting

critiqueOur new (to me) book club met last night. I found it interesting that we had all read the same thing and all had different takes on it. I also now (sort of ) understand why so many authors explain so much, or talk down to us as I usually call it. That type of writing always makes me feel like the author has assumed that we’re all too stupid to understand what’s happening. Read the rest of this entry

My Empty Chair

Empty Office Chair and DeskWhat a wonderful feeling to be back in front of my writing computer. Four days I’ve gone without sitting here – did you miss me? Friday I made a conscious decision not to subject myself to the pressure of figuring out what to write when there was so little time – yes, I overslept. Saturday and Sunday I needed to be out the door well before I normally finish writing and yesterday I woke up so stressed out with so many don’t-forgets in my head that I was at my desk before 6:00am.

What did I learn from this short time away from my usual routine? The first two days I felt a little off balance, but by yesterday I realized just how easy it is to get derailed. Although I’ve written almost daily over the past four and a half months, it only took a couple of days to get out of the habit and be able to justify doing so. Instead of using ‘life happened’ as an excuse for ignoring my writing, I need to get in the habit of using it for fuel. Read the rest of this entry

Motherhood

motherContrary to what seems to be popular belief, not all mothers who hurt their children are psychopathic monsters. For the most part, they’re just like everyone else, trying to do the best they can and sometimes, they lose their way. When you’re wracked with pain, for whatever the reason, pushed to the wall with the belief that there is no help to be found, you make irrational decisions.

Read the rest of this entry

Who Am I Kidding?

excusesSo maybe it is the writing that I’m resisting. I changed my routine a few days ago and I suspect it’s just another procrastination tactic. Instead of just sitting down to write, I check out new followers, check my reader feed, clean out my in-box – all before opening a new post window and then I check the time. And of course now there’s precious little time for writing – especially when I don’t have a topic in mind.

Why do I continue to set myself up for failure? Is my subconscious trying to protect me from the very thing it’s creating? Or have I gone to the ‘it’s too hard’ place? Writing is hard. It’s also fun and therapeutic and has led me to better understanding myself. I LIKE to write. It doesn’t matter if I don’t always have something enlightening to share. That’s not the point. (Note to self – are you listening?)

Read the rest of this entry

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