Who Am I Kidding?
So maybe it is the writing that I’m resisting. I changed my routine a few days ago and I suspect it’s just another procrastination tactic. Instead of just sitting down to write, I check out new followers, check my reader feed, clean out my in-box – all before opening a new post window and then I check the time. And of course now there’s precious little time for writing – especially when I don’t have a topic in mind.
Why do I continue to set myself up for failure? Is my subconscious trying to protect me from the very thing it’s creating? Or have I gone to the ‘it’s too hard’ place? Writing is hard. It’s also fun and therapeutic and has led me to better understanding myself. I LIKE to write. It doesn’t matter if I don’t always have something enlightening to share. That’s not the point. (Note to self – are you listening?)
I think it’s the pressure I’m putting on myself, knowing this blog is public and that others are following it. Well, based on my own behavior, I’m sure those followers are not checking everyday to make sure I’m fulfilling my self imposed assignment or that they’re going stop following because the day’s post was not about something they’re particularly interested in. I’m discovering that within the blogging world, a follow is often a request for a follow back.
I’ve embraced the fact that I am a writer, I’m proud to say it and yet I’m apparently still suffering from the imposter syndrome. I didn’t start this blog to impress anyone, except maybe myself, it’s a vehicle to hold my thoughts, memories and revelations. It’s supposed to be the start of my book. Maybe that’s where the pressure is coming from. The book. When I sit down to write my daily post I think I feel guilty if I don’t have any soul searching, childhood issue, or obvious grief to work through.
When I think about digging for crap that needs to be brought to the light, I get tired. The days keep flying by and as I race to keep up, the thought of adding more work is too much. And poking around in the toxic waste dump of my mind is work – really hard work. So who am I trying to justify myself to? I guess that must be me. Sigh … Where did the fun go? Right now my life feels like nothing but work and obligations.
This feels like another circular post, but that’s pretty much how my brain works. Aren’t you the lucky one to see it firsthand. I have too much to accomplish (there’s that theme again) today to take the time to go back and edit, since I’d probably convince myself that the whole thing needs to be rewritten or better yet, deleted. So, to recap, if only for myself, I’m feeling both rebellious and guilty about the lack of depth in my writing and I have plenty of excuses as to why that is.
Posted on March 26, 2014, in Writing and tagged Busyness, Creativity, Depression, Discovery, Expectations, fear, Fun, Grief, Guilt, Impostor, Self-talk, Stress, Writing. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.